Connecting with People
Another Mr. Brooks that I am a fan of is David Brooks. He’s a political commentator that used to work for the Wall Street Journal and now is at the NY Times. A book of his that I like to recommend is “Road to Character.” The tagline is that we should be working on Eulogy Virtues, not Resume Virtues.
He was recently on Sam Harris’ podcasts and gave a pretty interesting take on the political landscape in America. He also has a new book coming out, “How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen,” so I searched if he was on any other podcasts. He was on this past march with Dr. Vivek Murphy, the US Surgeon General, and I really recommend the episode:
Dr. Murphy wrote a book that came out in the midst of COVID, but it addressed the loneliness epidemic that was already happening. David takes a grass roots approach to the solution. He thinks people need to learn skills and values that improve their connection to one another. He thinks the greatest gift a person can receive is being seen and heard. An interesting take on AI is that the jobs will remain are the ones that connect with humans. It’s a tautological argument, the only thing AI can’t take from us is our connection to another human.
The thing that really resonated with me is that David said he was kind of an aloof kid growing up and only in his midlife that he really valued connecting with people. I’d say that’s accurate of me. It’s something that frequently comes up in therapy.
I used to hate small talk with people, I thought it was trivial and a waste of time. A layer on top of that is that I felt a sort of guilt for having a nice life. When a barista would ask what I’m up to for the day, I’d just say I’m working. However, after having a couple drinks and/or being in another country, I would love to bullshit with people. I enjoyed those moments, so I knew it was something I could work on. I realize now that the excuses were to hide my vulnerability.*
Only took 4 years of slow exposure (and the lexapro probably helped a lot) that allowed me to hit some switch to let my guard down. Now I see every time I’m around anyone as an opportunity for connection. And if I can, to try to brighten someone’s day. It’s not a selfless act; it makes me happier too.
*I was talking to Tina on how much I like taking tests, and that I took a Rorshach test out of curiosity. That instigated my rereading of it. Key things that jump out is my lack of connection with people that weren’t close to me, as well as anxiety around forces that were out of my control. The test was taken right before covid, so before my general anxiety disorder. Who knows if it’s a self fulfilling prophecy, but pretty spot on for both. I attached it here:
