How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen
Book recap
David Brooks’ “How to Know a Person” is my favorite book this year, and cannot recommend it enough. It gives a framework of what kind of questions to ask and the approach to get to know a person. But most importantly, it gives a social landscape and philosophy and why we should connect with people.
Suicide, depression and anxiety are on the rise. There are many factors for this, but the surgeon general Dr. Vivek Murphy attributes it to the loneliness epidemic. Brooks explains that our social institutions such as church and community centers are being replaced by social media. Being a good person is being replaced by achievement. The philosopher Byung Hul Chan explains that the trend to being authentic is self centered and we’re losing our sense of community.
On top of that, Brooks says we’re over politicized and under moralized. We’re too busy trying to dunk on the opposition, instead of trying to bring good into the world. He suggests we follow Iris Murdoch’s morality. “For Murdoch, the essential immoral act is the inability to see other people correctly.”
Brooks suggests we need to practice our theory of mind more. Theory of mind is developed around the ages of 4-5. Kids start to understand that their parents can’t see what they see. However, to have a very strong theory of mind, is to understand that another person’s perception of the world can be different from yours. And there are many factors that can influence their behaviors and beliefs.
He references one of my favorite books that I read over 10 years ago. “Personality,” by Daniel Nettle explains how different personality types evolved. And more importantly, Nettle explains why each personality type is useful in different situations, there is no “best” personality.
To understand someone is realizing that they have different personality tendences, as well as a different cultural and environmental upbringing. And that can produce differing opinions. With a better understanding of one another, we can perhaps bridge the gap in resolving differences.
On top of this, I find that life is more enjoyable learning about people. Brooks, like me, considered himself a shy, quiet person. But he found in his 40s, talking to strangers became a fun experience. In the past year, I’ve found myself opening up and connecting with random people. And everytime, I get a positive feeling and it gets reinforced.